To the Women we’ve Lost and the Women to Come
With International Women’s Day – I am reminded of two particularly profound women. I’d like to dedicate this post (as I have been myself and my life these past few months) to my Grandmother and Mother. The two most resilient, fierce, passionate and awe-inspiring women who (I am honoured to say) are a real part of every fibre of my being.
With my Grandmother passing recently and my mother when I was sixteen (16) – I still, to this day, have two regrets in my relationship with them:
1. Whenever I imagine them seeing some decisions and life choices I’ve made this lifetime and paths I have lost myself in, I become ashamed, disappointed, inside myself instead of desperately wanting to be a woman they can be proud of.
2. That I didn’t have the awareness or opportunity, due to circumstance or time – to really get to know them as a person. Their individual life stories, moments, people, experiences, their philosophies which had an impact in forging the person they were at any given time in their life. So, the regret in this context is wishing I had more time – there’s so much I want to ask…
Yes, as The Portal – I do communicate with them on the other side, but as all know: the moment you cross-over, who you were on Earth cease to exist bar for your memories. Memories that are but information, like photographs of the PAST and hold no bearing on the definition of self in the afterlife. Because, in the hereafter – the totality of who you are on a beingness level re-aligns into an existential context, and you’re no more existing as ‘who you were’ on earth between family and friends. The comparison between the ‘self of earth’ and the ‘who I am’ you are on an existential level is extensive. (Many recordings have been done in EQAFE on this transition and change of self on a beingness level from earth to the hereafter/afterlife – especially the series “Death Research“)
So, I do learn a lot from my Grandmother and Mother on the other side as I walk with them through their life stories, but…there’s still a part of me that yearns for that simple earthly intimacy where, for a moment, I am a daughter and a granddaughter. I miss this. I miss the EXPERIENCE of this.
Now, I am pregnant with a little woman, a future woman.
I didn’t think I would ever again experience the depth of sadness and loss as the time shortly after my Mother and Grandmother passed – that is, until this little woman within me started growing more and more and the grief and sorrow began to equally deepen and intensify as I wonder how it all would have been if my Mother and Grandmother were here with me and my girl. Not only this, but my regrets and personal life disappointments became a massive emotional tidal wave of turmoil within me – not living up to a standard of me and my life I would be proud of in their eyes and feeling like I missed out on so much learning and wisdom from them in their lifetime with being too self involved and selfish…Yet, fascinatingly enough: it’s this MOMENT OF FRICTION in my life between the tragedy of the past and the gift of the future that has allowed me these past months, to make my Mother and Grandmother a more active, every day part of my life.
What I have been focusing on these past months – was and is (as I am still continuing) learning as much as I can from my Mother and Grandmother – especially reflecting on WHO I AM in my relationship with them in the past, the present and into the future. Focusing all of me on forgiving who I was, making peace with what I cannot change and dedicating all that I am to the woman I aspire to becoming – utilising the life and impact my Mother and Grandmother had on me. My goal is to imagine them standing before me, and me being proud of the reflection of me I see in their eyes, their hearts and their being.
With the two regrets I have lived with for many years when it came to my Mother and Grandmother – I have come to understand the following:
1. My Mother and Grandmother would not hold onto condemnation and contempt when it came to the moments of miss-takes and the phases of veering off of the best path for me and others. Yes, they’d let me feel the consequences, for sure, and also face them as I have – but would have been my conscience, my support, my teachers and guides…whip my ass into gear to get my head and heart straight lol
This, I would say, is what made my life so much more challenging: I didn’t always have the “parent” so to speak, the person who wouldn’t react, gossip, assume, judge etc. but the person who would be by my side, embrace me, hold me, support me, share their wisdom, experience and understanding and actually walk by my side and help me through it all. I’ve with much consequences had to figure it out by myself – which takes longer and has far greater mountains of ups and downs.
As tough as it’s been: I know now how I will teach my daughter. Teach her about consequence and be for her what I seldom had in my life and didn’t realise I needed: a voice of reprimand, but reason and support. Walking with her through whatever consequence she may have to face/create for herself as she walks her lifetime of lessons 🙂
So, my greatest lesson from regret – will become one of the greatest gifts I can share with my child and her future.
2. I will have to live with the fact that I didn’t get to know my Mother and Grandmother as the person they were on this Earth, because I cannot change the past. I accept this, though – doesn’t mean it’s easy to live with. What I can do, however – is be more active with my daughter’s life and future. Share with her who I am, why I am – my greatest consequence(s) and regret(s), achievements and life lessons, people who had an impact on me – every piece, moment, experience, person in my lifetime that’s come to piece the puzzle that is me together and continues to do so as I live and learn.
These are but two life gifts I look forward to sharing with my little woman. But two life-gifts which had left an extraordinary mark on the person I am today, thanks to two equally extraordinary women and my life experience with them.
So, to the women I lost: My Grandmother and Mother and the woman to come: My daughter; I am grateful to have these women in my life today – women of my past, present and future who, in their own way, is supporting me to become a woman I can be proud of.
Thank you for reading