To the Women we’ve Lost and the Women to Come

To the Women we’ve Lost and the Women to Come

With International Women’s Day – I am reminded of two particularly profound women. I’d like to dedicate this post (as I have been myself and my life these past few months) to my Grandmother and Mother. The two most resilient, fierce, passionate and awe-inspiring women who (I am honoured to say) are a real part of every fibre of my being.

With my Grandmother passing recently and my mother when I was sixteen (16) – I still, to this day, have two regrets in my relationship with them:
1. Whenever I imagine them seeing some decisions and life choices I’ve made this lifetime and paths I have lost myself in, I become ashamed, disappointed, inside myself instead of desperately wanting to be a woman they can be proud of.
2. That I didn’t have the awareness or opportunity, due to circumstance or time – to really get to know them as a person. Their individual life stories, moments, people, experiences, their philosophies which had an impact in forging the person they were at any given time in their life. So, the regret in this context is wishing I had more time – there’s so much I want to ask…
Yes, as The Portal – I do communicate with them on the other side, but as all know: the moment you cross-over, who you were on Earth cease to exist bar for your memories. Memories that are but information, like photographs of the PAST and hold no bearing on the definition of self in the afterlife. Because, in the hereafter – the totality of who you are on a beingness level re-aligns into an existential context, and you’re no more existing as ‘who you were’ on earth between family and friends. The comparison between the ‘self of earth’ and the ‘who I am’ you are on an existential level is extensive. (Many recordings have been done in EQAFE on this transition and change of self on a beingness level from earth to the hereafter/afterlife – especially the series “Death Research“)
So, I do learn a lot from my Grandmother and Mother on the other side as I walk with them through their life stories, but…there’s still a part of me that yearns for that simple earthly intimacy where, for a moment, I am a daughter and a granddaughter. I miss this. I miss the EXPERIENCE of this.

Now, I am pregnant with a little woman, a future woman.

I didn’t think I would ever again experience the depth of sadness and loss as the time shortly after my Mother and Grandmother passed – that is, until this little woman within me started growing more and more and the grief and sorrow began to equally deepen and intensify as I wonder how it all would have been if my Mother and Grandmother were here with me and my girl. Not only this, but my regrets and personal life disappointments became a massive emotional tidal wave of turmoil within me – not living up to a standard of me and my life I would be proud of in their eyes and feeling like I missed out on so much learning and wisdom from them in their lifetime with being too self involved and selfish…Yet, fascinatingly enough: it’s this MOMENT OF FRICTION in my life between the tragedy of the past and the gift of the future that has allowed me these past months, to make my Mother and Grandmother a more active, every day part of my life.
What I have been focusing on these past months – was and is (as I am still continuing) learning as much as I can from my Mother and Grandmother – especially reflecting on WHO I AM in my relationship with them in the past, the present and into the future. Focusing all of me on forgiving who I was, making peace with what I cannot change and dedicating all that I am to the woman I aspire to becoming – utilising the life and impact my Mother and Grandmother had on me. My goal is to imagine them standing before me, and me being proud of the reflection of me I see in their eyes, their hearts and their being.

With the two regrets I have lived with for many years when it came to my Mother and Grandmother – I have come to understand the following:

1. My Mother and Grandmother would not hold onto condemnation and contempt when it came to the moments of miss-takes and the phases of veering off of the best path for me and others. Yes, they’d let me feel the consequences, for sure, and also face them as I have – but would have been my conscience, my support, my teachers and guides…whip my ass into gear to get my head and heart straight lol
This, I would say, is what made my life so much more challenging: I didn’t always have the “parent” so to speak, the person who wouldn’t react, gossip, assume, judge etc. but the person who would be by my side, embrace me, hold me, support me, share their wisdom, experience and understanding and actually walk by my side and help me through it all. I’ve with much consequences had to figure it out by myself – which takes longer and has far greater mountains of ups and downs.
As tough as it’s been: I know now how I will teach my daughter. Teach her about consequence and be for her what I seldom had in my life and didn’t realise I needed: a voice of reprimand, but reason and support. Walking with her through whatever consequence she may have to face/create for herself as she walks her lifetime of lessons 🙂
So, my greatest lesson from regret – will become one of the greatest gifts I can share with my child and her future.

2. I will have to live with the fact that I didn’t get to know my Mother and Grandmother as the person they were on this Earth, because I cannot change the past. I accept this, though – doesn’t mean it’s easy to live with. What I can do, however – is be more active with my daughter’s life and future. Share with her who I am, why I am – my greatest consequence(s) and regret(s), achievements and life lessons, people who had an impact on me – every piece, moment, experience, person in my lifetime that’s come to piece the puzzle that is me together and continues to do so as I live and learn.

These are but two life gifts I look forward to sharing with my little woman. But two life-gifts which had left an extraordinary mark on the person I am today, thanks to two equally extraordinary women and my life experience with them.
So, to the women I lost: My Grandmother and Mother and the woman to come: My daughter; I am grateful to have these women in my life today – women of my past, present and future who, in their own way, is supporting me to become a woman I can be proud of.

Thank you for reading

Me

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To: Mom… (A letter to my Mom #1)

photocollage_2020611043557

Introduction

I’ve been wanting to write a letter, or rather letters, to my Mom for some time. My first memory of wanting to write to her was when I was 16 years old, a couple of months after her death. I did begin writing to her in a diary I had at the time, but it was too painful. I had no comprehension or understanding of emotions, let alone the ability to define them and the extent/depth of effect it had on me as a person, my self definition and my living behaviour.

Looking back now, after more than 16 years of dedicating myself, my life to understanding the mind, being and body relationship: I finally have the skills and awareness to fathom the state I was in on all dimensions and levels of my mind, beingness and body. Together with the tools of self honesty, trust, courage and forgiveness – I have solid principles enabling me to introspect, explore and investigate the ‘self’ I was then and the consequential timeline play-outs/ripple effects that one event initiated like a domino effect leading to this very moment here and now: me, finally, being ready, willing and able to start writing the letters to my Mom.

 

This intention of writing to my Mom has been with me for many years. Every now and then it’d revisit my inner reality whereupon I’d consider it and even start writing a few lines…however, it’d literally feel like a darkness overwhelming me, pulling me into depths of sadness, sorrow, despair and an indescribable pain, which I would physically experience. This would lead me to put down that pen, close the book and suppress the idea of writing to my Mom, suppress the tormenting emotions and pain.

For many years, I would go through some of my personal books stacked away and layered in corners and cupboards of my room –  seeing and reading sentences/paragraphs of my attempts at writing to my Mom; sharing things with her. Never knowing what exactly to say, or any particular topic I’d like to talk about, because before I could even start: this PAIN would consume me, this undefined (what felt like) infinite hellish darkness.

 

I have come to understand this pain, this darkness within me – filled with sorrow, grief, loss, despair, helplessness, hopelessness and SO MUCH MORE. What finally, over time, pushed me to confront and walk into this space within myself, for me, in more written detail (and also sharing it here in support of others as me): is years of deep losses I encountered, not only my Mom. Many other significant individuals passed throughout the years with whom I had deep, intimate connections and their loss was as deeply felt as my Mom’s…even more so with having become more acutely aware of my emotions and their impact on who I am and how I live/behave, together with the decisions/choices I make/do not make 😉 Lastly, the loss of my pups in this recent year – especially my pup, Stout. When he died…this is where that STEEL WALL I built for myself throughout my life, starting with the death of my Mom – to NOT have to confront the pain that accompanies the death/loss of a loved one – whether animal or human: when Stout died, this FORTRESS of self-protection against pain of loss/death started cracking and crumbling.

 

This past year and a half (give or take) has been the most challenging personal year of my life. In the heart of this, I so many times yearned just to be held by the people that aren’t here anymore or be in the company of my pups – just for a second, a moment if you will, just HOLDING ME. Not having to say anything…because words wouldn’t be necessary, for I distinctly remember how it felt being held by them / holding my pups during times I needed support the most. However, time and time again I am reminded: they are not here. I access that pain and darkness for a moment, but QUICKLY revert back to my PROTECTIVE BOUNDARY to separate me from accessing that experience.

What I didn’t want to admit/realise is that: the wall had become ME – and so, when the wall started cracking (after my pups’ death, especially Stout) and eventually breaking throughout this year…it’s to an extent forced me to either totally break down, which is what it felt like happened for a little while – OR, I make the choice to with SELF AWARENESS, break the wall down BRICK BY BRICK. The wall/fortress which I had built throughout the years, since the first instance of death – and finally come face to face with my greatest fear: the pain – all the emotions I associated and suppressed when it comes to loss and death of a loved one.

 

Herewith sharing my history and process within and behind the letters to come for context and understanding. I will be writing to my Mom (and other beings who have passed who had a major impact on who I am throughout my life), as much as processing myself and simultaneously SHARING what I have uncovered thus far in my journey of breaking down the barriers separating me from parts of myself I feared/was afraid of because every time I came close to it, it seemed so daunting, eternal and deep that if I dared to access it/go into it/really look at it: I’d lose myself. Not realising throughout the years the obvious: I was already losing myself and LOST WITHIN MYSELF because of separating and suppressing parts of me that did exist within me. PIECES SCATTERED and repressed into nooks and crannies, guarded with walls and barriers. Now it’s time to walk into my fears, take down the bricks, pick up the pieces and PEACE myself back together again. To REST within myself as those who have passed are now at peace and rest within themselves.

 

In posts to come, I will be sharing letters – sometimes to my Mom, Grandfather, Bernard and my pups – beings who had a deep impact on who I am and in the process of becoming in years to come. Beings whose lives truly left a mark in the sense of a LEGACY within me, which is supporting me to become stronger by the day with the will to ASPIRE in making them proud as I invest my self, time and days to live in such a way that I can be/become proud of me…even when I have some bad days 😉

 

I will be sharing my journey throughout the years, my LIFE INITIATION as I refer to it – which felt like it started the moment my Mom passed away as it initiated a ripple effect still leaving a defining impression on me to this day. Interestingly enough, I’ve recently started walking my process in relation to the words APOLOGIZING, EXPLAINING and saying SORRY…with the first words coming up in me when thinking about my Mom, is: “I’m sorry…” And so, this will be my heading of my first letter to her, as I take the plunge and open up/share ME and my process throughout the years and to this day, together with using the tools that has guided me: writing, self forgiveness, redefining words and changing in every day life living.

 

Thank you for reading and walking with 🙂

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‘A Beautiful Mess,’ she drew

14*Photo by Catherine Grace Jackson https://www.facebook.com/catherinegrace.jackson.54

This blog is a merging of “Who do I Want to be?” https://sunettespies.wordpress.com/2019/05/30/who-do-i-want-to-be/ and ‘You’re Beautiful,’  he said https://sunettespies.wordpress.com/2020/03/02/youre-beautiful-he-said/. I would recommend reading both previous blogs for context, as I have come to realise that: WHO I WANT TO BE will only come from what I live and how I live it, within the decisions I make and actions I live in my every day life. I have each and every day for all the pieces and parts of me that are in the process of construction, birthing, sowing, seeding and manifesting – to transition into BECOMING a living me I am proud of…even if and when I do fail, fall and make miss-takes. Looking into this journey with the word “BEAUTIFUL” is a piece, a part of the WHO I currently AM and it is currently, by my acceptance and allowance, determining (as well as in many ways influencing) my decisions and actions into an unending roller coaster, leading me to live Albert Einstein’s prominent quote: “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

Reflecting on my history with the word “BEAUTIFUL” – it’s the same thing over and over again, with no different results when it comes to how I react to it and the decisions and actions that follows towards myself and others. I’ve accepted and allowed this word to have POWER over and OF ME. I become a puppet in the hands of the word “BEAUTIFUL” and I just don’t like it. Every time I accept and allow myself to fall into this self-made entrapment – I feel sick to to the pit of my stomach, as though a part of my soul has been tarnished and shredded with a filth I cannot physically wash off. I feel dirtier and uglier, the more I accept and allow myself to be duped by hearing, reading and/or seeing the word ‘BEAUTIFUL”.
What is extraordinary in my journey throughout the years when it comes to words – the spoken and living word, is that I experience them to be living entities, embodied with a consciousness unto itself. The word “BEAUTIFUL” is a living entity/essence in me as much as it is inside of you. Whenever someone would refer to me as beautiful – it’s as though I can see the presence of that live/living entity/being as the word resonate towards me, awakening my beauty/beautiful living entity/system within myself. In this process, activating a personality/personalities I attached to this word. Then I start speaking, behaving and sounding TOTALLY different…becoming an altered version of myself altogether in some respects. It happens so quickly, without second thought. An immediate automated response.

 

This is what scares me.

The fact that me, myself and I can accept and allow such a word to hold so much power over and of me – from sound, to behavior, to presence, to decisions and actions…all the PILLARS of SELF that anchors my integrity, will and standing in WHO I AM/CHOOSE TO BE in a moment is compromised; and don’t even gift myself a moment to take a breath, step back and ask myself: IS THIS WHO I WANT TO BE…with knowing where this path is going to be lead me if I accept and allow myself to play this game with myself as the word beautiful and my relationship with it currently? “Till here no further. I’m tired of this word being used and abused by myself, towards myself.

Yes, it can be argued that there are those who use it to manipulate deliberately and hence it’s they’re fault and they’re to blame… – but with me accepting and allowing myself to react, change myself, abdicate my response-ability by not making a decision and ‘falling for the person’ etc.: that’s all on me. I’m also tired of my reactions towards myself when people truly are genuine about sharing a BEAUTY they see within me, which I am not accessing within myself. Instead of asking them for their interpretation, definition and/or insight etc. into what beauty they witness/experience within and as and of me so that I can access a part of me through them as me: I tend to go into the OPPOSITE direction, where I accept and allow my mind to bring up everything that’s wrong, bad, ugly, not good enough, failures, weaknesses, issues – my MESS, essentially…

Hence the topic of this blog “A BEAUTIFUL MESS”: I have a close friend who did these amazingly funky cartoon drawings of people in her life. She’d access their presence and transfer it into a cartoon version of them. Mine was called “A BEAUTIFUL MESS” and I could, to a certain extent, from one dimension at the time understand what she meant by it, because: I was, and still am lol – (another part/piece of me to unpack and open up in time to come when it comes to presenting a very solid austere, whilst on the inside breaking down and eventually self-destructing in some way or another) – hiding my mess with a facade of organised stability on the outside. I have done a post introducing my process of how I deal with/handle trauma – what to do and what not to do lol, but this will follow as I complete the redefining and living of the word BEAUTIFUL for me.

In this moment, however – BEAUTIFUL MESS is to mean the MESSYNESS I have come to define and live as this word, through my voice, sound, behaviour, mannerism and overall personalities. In blogs to come, I’ll share a couple of examples of the messyness – unpack and open up the personalities I access within and around the word BEAUTIFUL – so that I can see myself in the mirror of me as words, face myself and commence the process of CLEANING UP the mess and become the LIVING WORD BEAUTIFUL in a way that I am proud of, which I own, that belongs to me and represents the best of me.

Thanks all

P.S
Do check out the lady who drew my ‘Beautiful Mess’ – Kim Kline’s blog post, as it’s very much complimentary to the process I am walking here. Enjoy!
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The need of Red for a Day

Red's the colour POST

Red’s the colour of choice this day 💃 It supports me with confidence and strength…boldness and assertiveness… Support I was in much need of this day.

I’ve recently been through a traumatic event (will share the story when the moment is here and I effectively processed it for and with myself first)… and when I go through deeply traumatic, distressing and devastating events; there’s a part of me breaking down and another voice in me saying “bitch, get your shit straight and move on”.

On the outside, I keep my composure… On the inside, I’m falling apart and am broken. I’m good at this…compartmentalizing, suppressing – placing deeply affecting emotions in a beautifully locked box inside myself. Yet… Lol, as they say “THE TRUTH ALWAYS COMES OUT”. So, even though I make myself believe I can CONQUER the demons of my own emotions… They eventually come out in my behavior, towards those I love, breakdowns and so much more.

This recent event made me look at and question how I deal with trauma, because I cannot and will not accept and allow myself to handle it (or rather go into complete denial of it and make as if everything is okay when it’s not….) as I did in the past.

In a video to come I will share my miss-takes when it comes to facing trauma and deeply emotional events – share my do’s and don’ts from real experiences throughout my life.

Looking forward to sharing with you and do hope I can pay it forward, for others to learn through me for you to be able to walk through life changing events with courage, strength and the will to learn – to come out of it and through it a thriving being with a passion to live even more 😘

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‘You’re beautiful,’ he said

The One

*Photo by Catherine Grace Jackson https://www.facebook.com/catherinegrace.jackson.54

 

I have four SIGNIFICANT memories standing out when it comes to men/others calling me “beautiful”, which has made an (up to date 😉 ) ever-lasting impression on me. Each of these memories representing different dimensions and experiences of my relationship with the word(s) beauty/beautiful. Obviously, I have many more remembrances with these words, however – the four I am sharing here and the process I am walking with them; opens up signficant aspects and perspecctives to introspect and investigate.

With this, my intent with sharing a few of my experiences is to inspire others to have a look at the impact, relationship and/or power these words have within and as you – to start QUESTioning:

WHO AM I AS THE LIVING WORD BEAUTY/BEAUTIFUL?

– Bernard. He used to look into my eyes, through me, straight into a depth of me I knew and could feel existed, but didn’t really embrace at the time and he’d say “you’re beautiful”. He always made me feel like he was seeing a beauty that I could not fathom at the time. As though he was speaking to a part of me he knew existed, and a part of me, deep inside myself knew existed – but I did not at the time really accept it…At the time, not accepting and allowing any sense/conception of beauty within me.

– The Club. I was at a club standing on the other side of a door ajar. I playfully asked a guy who I found attractive “what’s the secret password” to let him through and he immediately said: “you’re beautiful”…so, I let him through. At the time, accepting and allowing a word, such as ‘beautiful’ to have’ such power over me.

– My sister. MANY years back, there was a picture of me sitting with my new car. My sister commented in Facebook “you look beautiful”. I barely recognized the word “beautiful” at the time, due to the extent of my own insecurity, self judgment and so much more…At the time, not accepting and allowing, essentially REFUSING myself to even SEE/notice/acknowledge beautiful/beauty within my own self definition.

– The Man. A man in my life who said “you’re beautiful” and he kept repeating it in a way, which for the first time made me ask “what do you mean by beautiful? Define it for me.” – and what he shared was so significant…it was a paragraph (or more an entire conversation) of describing his experience of my presence, resonance, essence…core. Nothing to do with how I looked. At the time, unknowingly – a part of me has become more accepting of the word beauty/beautiful within and as me.

This last man and his sharing of his EXPERIENCE/INTERPRETATION of the word beauty/beautiful with me…suddenly released a domino effect within me, which made me question WHY and HOW it is I so insecurely, judgmentally and with inferiority reacted to the word beautiful/beauty throughout my life? Why didn’t I see my own beauty/beautiful in a way that he did? Obviously, the “beauty/beauiful definition” during my conversation with him was HIS EXPERIENCE/INTERPRETATION OF ME – but yet, holds/held some truth, because he picked up some dimensions of me as we connected.

So, I was like: “Well, HELL – lol, if that’s what he picked up from me, what am I missing, or not connecting with inside myself?”

In posts to come – I will share, in more detail, the above dimensions of my experience with BEAUTY and what I learned from each individual encounter and how it’s SUPPORTING my self creation in time to come. How I am to empower myself within and as the living word(s) BEAUTY/BEAUTIFUL.

 

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Who do I Want to Be?

_20190529_200856Who do I want to be?

This is a QUESTion that came up within me this morning. Accompanying this question was the emotion or experience within me of being dissatisfied with how I was seeing myself in the reflection of the mirror of my mind and the mirror of my external reality. You know, you have those moments where you just look at yourself and have the feeling of “what the fuck are you doing / not doing to yourself?” And it’s downhill from there once you get stuck in what you’re judging / perceiving as bad / not good enough / wrong / fucked up – accepting and allowing yourself to get caught up in the emotion of feeling like a shitty version of yourself.

With this, I did honestly see a couple things I’d want to change

–          things I’ve been wanting to do, which I haven’t

–          parts of me inside myself I’ve allowed to run amuck when it comes to certain thoughts, inner dialogue and emotion

–          things I’ve been wanting to change in my presentation, health, behavior etc.

But then I realized, it’s cool to want to change all of the above things – BUT, what’s my starting point? Because, for a long time – I’ve been WANTING to change a lot of things, inside and out, but rarely succeed in achieving the amount, level and depths of change a part of me deeply knows I am capable of.

I’m sure you can relate to being stuck in a loop of WANTING to change a lot of things that’s most certainly in your power and reach to do…but you remain stuck in returning to this moment I have this morning of not being happy with what you’re seeing/experiencing and then judging yourself for it. Only to awaken the next day and do the same things: same shit, different day.

While I was looking at the things I’ve been wanting to change, another dimension came up within me: WHY do I want to change those things / make certain changes in my life and the person I am when seeing myself in the mirrors of my mind and every day life? Like, what’s the REAL REASON for this point existing in me? An interesting answer, or should I say, abundance of information triggered inside myself: everyone else in my life, more specifically – the FEAR of ridicule, judgement, possible reactions from OTHER people.

All of the above bringing me to the final realization, that: my STARTING POINT, the REASON for WHY I want to change the above things was the problem and was the thing holding me back from actually making any changes. The reason for this is because I kept on looping from the fear of others views and reactions about me, then me judging myself and digging a hole of self dissatisfaction. Possessed by self dissatisfaction in the eyes of myself and the perceivable eyes of others. Creating an illusionary internal battle between the eyes of my own judgments and the eyes of others judgments.

I also looked at the things I was dissatisfied with as fingerprints. As much as our fingerprints are a part of us that is absolute, whoever and whatever we are in any given moment of our lives is like a fingerprint: it’s a unique part of me – whether good or bad. The things about myself inside and out that I’m not happy with has become deeply ingrained, integral parts of me and accepting and allowing myself to continue in this cycle of reacting to it and in so doing, resisting it: is leaving an open invitation for constant inner conflict. I mean, lol – it’s like constantly being in a reaction towards your own fingerprints…it’s futile and will bring nothing but dismay and depression.

So, I’m changing the starting point inside myself.

STEP ONE: Acceptance

–          Accept that there’s going to be a level of dissatisfaction in the reflection of myself as the mirrors of my mind and reality.

–          Accept the fact that there are parts of me that are shitty, that I don’t like and that am not happy with

–          Accept the fact that others may judge me

STEP TWO: Understanding the nature of habits

–          Understand that the things I want to change have become habits and habits take time, constancy and consistency in application / action to over time transform into change

STEP THREE: Be Realistic

–          Be realistic of the things I WANT to change and truly deeply see whether I honestly actually need to change for the I / EYES of ME inside myself and my life, because at the end of the day – I come home to ME, inside and out. This ME I come home to and that is my home is what I must be content, satisfied, fulfilled and happy with.

Finally, STEP FOUR: Start, take the first steps to begin

–          Don’t try change EVERYTHING in one day, all at the same time. Prioritize what time, resources are available to me and most importantly, prioritize the things I want to change and see what is in my current power and capability to change in my every day life.

It’s interesting how a starting point, a reason to want to change something can actually hold you back from achieving the very thing/things you want to change. When we continue failing, we think it’s WHAT we want to change that’s the problem, or we’re the problem somehow, or we just give up / give in and go: “FUCK IT, I’M JUST GONNA BE THIS / THAT AND FUCK EVERYONE ELSE.” Possessed in a rage towards ourselves and life.

My realization sharing for today: there’s always going to be things about myself, inside and out, that I WANT to change. Just to make sure that I’M the eyes, the heart and soul (so to speak) as the REASON and STARTING POINT for the change. In addition to this, ensuring that the changes I pursue are considering who, how and what I am and have right now – gifting myself the time, patience and endurance to see the changes through from beginning to end, however long it may take to transform the habits.

There are so many additional dimensions that opened up for me from within the above sharing and will be continuing with those in posts to come. For now, here are quite a few points you can hopefully take with you as keys to unlocking some realizations and insights for yourself.

Enjoy 😉 

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Starting Over, Starting Again

Moments after writing my Instagram post with the theme “starting over / again” on the 1st of January 2019: I had a Grand Mal Seizure and was hospitalized for 3 days and 2 nights. Since then, it’s as though I prophesized my own process to come this year as the theme STARTING OVER / AGAIN has been omnipotent and omnipresent within my experiences since.

“What a start to the New Year” was the thought that crossed my mind…however, I am reminded of the fact that LIFE itself doesn’t have a calendar. Each one of us has our own defined PURPOSE / definition of TIME.

In my observations throughout the years of working with many people in this world and the next, one of those definitions of time we accept and live by: is the tangibility of time in the form of seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months etc. as manifested in clocks and calendars to be able to constructively categorize and organize ourselves, our lives and the moments, events and experiences within it. Yet, it still doesn’t change the fact that LIFE itself – is an ongoing current, not defined by “time” as we define it.

For me, my “new year” already started last year, so to speak – as I can see a domino-effect of events falling from the time I had a miscarriage leading to this moment of the seizure and the events / ripple effects that followed.

(As a side-note, I will in the future expand on what my definition of the words ‘NEW YEAR’ is. I just realized I hadn’t really taken a moment to look at what my definition and so living purpose for and of the words ‘NEW YEAR’ is. Through this, I will develop / create a definition for the words ‘NEW YEAR’ in a way which will constructively and beneficially support me in my living purpose in the year to come. Hereby using the tangibility of time in my life in my ongoing process from consciousness to awareness: becoming a living vision / version of myself I am proud of.)

I have always found writing and opening up about the things I endure within myself and life, supports me to process, understand, make sense of it, forgive myself, let go and/or make peace with it – and so much more. Therefore, as a continued gift to myself – I am starting the process of sharing a series of events that even lead to this moment, to this post. I am going to start from the time I had a miscarriage. I wouldn’t say that that is where the dominoes necessarily started falling that lead to the seizure / this moment of me writing this post; but it was a significant event that set things in motion inside myself, my life. I will thus reference this event as my pinpoint starting point from which I will pivot and reflect on / look at events before, during and after it.

Interesting how, in my Instagram post on the 1st of January 2019, I emphasized how events that played out from last year lead to / continued into the beginning of this year and manifested the living experience I’d come to define as “starting over / starting again”. During this time, I came to look at starting over / again as not being about DELETING / IGNORING or completely swiping everything / anything that happened, but instead: to DRAW FROM all the good, bad and ugly experiences I’ve walked through and REBUILD / PERFECT / FINETUNE myself.

I have come to learn that starting over / again is more about fineTUNING the SCULPTure that is ME. I’ve come to see life as this ongoing sculpting process, with the person and body that I am as a stone and I am given tools / lessons / people / moments and experiences in my life to slowly but surely sculpt WHO I AM and how this I AM is expressed in my LIVING, my ACTIONS. Most importantly realizing the responsibility and choice that is in MY HANDS as the SCULPTOR as ME and not try / attempt to blame something / someone else when I am not satisfied with who I am / how I am as a “crack” that shows up in the sculpture that is me – cause I’m in fact the only one holding the tools and the choice…when it comes to who I am within myself and how I respond to my outside world.

As said, this seizure was an OUTFLOW of the previous years’ events, challenges and experiences I’ve been through, which I will share and walk through in time to come – but again a reminder for me that: I can start over / again – but past consequences will still cascade / continue falling into my present and future to deal with and face. So, to not become discouraged when I’ve committed to making a decision to start over / again; but instead remember and use it as a continued motivation to face the past, confront consequence, deal with life’s daily ups and downs WHILST rebuilding, fine tuning and sculpting ME into the self I endeavor to be and become.

What I’ve done is not ever useless – it’s my relationship with it, perspective of it, view within it and experience through it that will determine its benefit/purpose to/for you. Everything we’ve been through has a purpose, or rather CAN have a purpose. We’re able to ENABLE purpose.

Therefore, starting over and starting again – I look back at what was, see what is and from this PRESENT I gift myself the ability to use what I’ve been through, the experiences, the moments as TOOLS to create, build and become a better me within the parts, areas and dimensions I see I can expand myself within.

More to come as I share me, sculpt me, fine-tune and perfect me into the best LIVING VISION I am able to – little by little, piece by piece, moment by moment, day by day.

Thank you

For context, herewith the Instagram post I made, moments before my Grand Mal Seizure in conjunction with the featured image of this blog post:

Starting over. Starting again. A lesson taught to me by Bernard – way back in the beginning of my Process of Portalling, which lead to what we know today as EQAFE (Check out our new 2019 EQAFE Unlimited launch project here https://mailchi.mp/desteni/startunlimited)

The understanding and living meaning of the words starting over /again – finding its way back into my life this year, from a multitude of processes I’ve walked these last few months. All leading to the rebirth of the words (and so myself) and so this lesson of starting over /again.
Does starting over, starting again mean to completely scratch all that was before, walk away from it, ignore it, throw it away as though it never happened or…
Take a moment to reflect on the question above 🤔

In honour of my POWER OF WORDS process, I share these words STARTING OVER and STARTING AGAIN… Soon to share in a video the significance of these words then and now, in support of my ongoing, ever-expanding process of self discovery, awereness and learning… Together with all the mistakes, falls and failures.

See y’all soon ✌️

 

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