*Photo by Catherine Grace Jackson https://www.facebook.com/catherinegrace.jackson.54
This blog is a merging of “Who do I Want to be?” https://sunettespies.wordpress.com/2019/05/30/who-do-i-want-to-be/ and ‘You’re Beautiful,’ he said https://sunettespies.wordpress.com/2020/03/02/youre-beautiful-he-said/. I would recommend reading both previous blogs for context, as I have come to realise that: WHO I WANT TO BE will only come from what I live and how I live it, within the decisions I make and actions I live in my every day life. I have each and every day for all the pieces and parts of me that are in the process of construction, birthing, sowing, seeding and manifesting – to transition into BECOMING a living me I am proud of…even if and when I do fail, fall and make miss-takes. Looking into this journey with the word “BEAUTIFUL” is a piece, a part of the WHO I currently AM and it is currently, by my acceptance and allowance, determining (as well as in many ways influencing) my decisions and actions into an unending roller coaster, leading me to live Albert Einstein’s prominent quote: “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”
Reflecting on my history with the word “BEAUTIFUL” – it’s the same thing over and over again, with no different results when it comes to how I react to it and the decisions and actions that follows towards myself and others. I’ve accepted and allowed this word to have POWER over and OF ME. I become a puppet in the hands of the word “BEAUTIFUL” and I just don’t like it. Every time I accept and allow myself to fall into this self-made entrapment – I feel sick to to the pit of my stomach, as though a part of my soul has been tarnished and shredded with a filth I cannot physically wash off. I feel dirtier and uglier, the more I accept and allow myself to be duped by hearing, reading and/or seeing the word ‘BEAUTIFUL”.
What is extraordinary in my journey throughout the years when it comes to words – the spoken and living word, is that I experience them to be living entities, embodied with a consciousness unto itself. The word “BEAUTIFUL” is a living entity/essence in me as much as it is inside of you. Whenever someone would refer to me as beautiful – it’s as though I can see the presence of that live/living entity/being as the word resonate towards me, awakening my beauty/beautiful living entity/system within myself. In this process, activating a personality/personalities I attached to this word. Then I start speaking, behaving and sounding TOTALLY different…becoming an altered version of myself altogether in some respects. It happens so quickly, without second thought. An immediate automated response.
This is what scares me.
The fact that me, myself and I can accept and allow such a word to hold so much power over and of me – from sound, to behavior, to presence, to decisions and actions…all the PILLARS of SELF that anchors my integrity, will and standing in WHO I AM/CHOOSE TO BE in a moment is compromised; and don’t even gift myself a moment to take a breath, step back and ask myself: IS THIS WHO I WANT TO BE…with knowing where this path is going to be lead me if I accept and allow myself to play this game with myself as the word beautiful and my relationship with it currently? “Till here no further. I’m tired of this word being used and abused by myself, towards myself.
Yes, it can be argued that there are those who use it to manipulate deliberately and hence it’s they’re fault and they’re to blame… – but with me accepting and allowing myself to react, change myself, abdicate my response-ability by not making a decision and ‘falling for the person’ etc.: that’s all on me. I’m also tired of my reactions towards myself when people truly are genuine about sharing a BEAUTY they see within me, which I am not accessing within myself. Instead of asking them for their interpretation, definition and/or insight etc. into what beauty they witness/experience within and as and of me so that I can access a part of me through them as me: I tend to go into the OPPOSITE direction, where I accept and allow my mind to bring up everything that’s wrong, bad, ugly, not good enough, failures, weaknesses, issues – my MESS, essentially…
Hence the topic of this blog “A BEAUTIFUL MESS”: I have a close friend who did these amazingly funky cartoon drawings of people in her life. She’d access their presence and transfer it into a cartoon version of them. Mine was called “A BEAUTIFUL MESS” and I could, to a certain extent, from one dimension at the time understand what she meant by it, because: I was, and still am lol – (another part/piece of me to unpack and open up in time to come when it comes to presenting a very solid austere, whilst on the inside breaking down and eventually self-destructing in some way or another) – hiding my mess with a facade of organised stability on the outside. I have done a post introducing my process of how I deal with/handle trauma – what to do and what not to do lol, but this will follow as I complete the redefining and living of the word BEAUTIFUL for me.
In this moment, however – BEAUTIFUL MESS is to mean the MESSYNESS I have come to define and live as this word, through my voice, sound, behaviour, mannerism and overall personalities. In blogs to come, I’ll share a couple of examples of the messyness – unpack and open up the personalities I access within and around the word BEAUTIFUL – so that I can see myself in the mirror of me as words, face myself and commence the process of CLEANING UP the mess and become the LIVING WORD BEAUTIFUL in a way that I am proud of, which I own, that belongs to me and represents the best of me.
Thanks all
Self&Living with Sunette 